Do you know anyone with a child who is constantly challenging and frustrating? The child may be non-compliant and have intense temper tantrums. Sometime the moods swing from one extreme to another or there is verbal or physical aggression. These children may have been given many different descriptions – strong-willed, difficult contrary. They may have received mental health diagnoses and been prescribed various medications. But, the bottom line is; they may life miserable for everyone around them. They are very unhappy children. And, the parents have tried “everything.” It is a very complex, frustrating problem.
Dr. Ross Greene has written such an extraordinary book for parents of inflexible, easily frustrated, explosive children. Many families could be reassured and helped by the ideas and strategies he has developed. As a counsellor for many years with children and adolescents, and having raised four boys of my own, I see Dr. Greene’s book as an excellent source of help for overwhelmed parents. My purpose in writing this article is to recommend the book but also to outline some of his techniques. My hope is that this article will make a start toward making family life better for both parents and children.
Dr. Greene tells a story about Jennifer who has a major blow-up over three frozen waffles. Sounds pretty trivial doesn’t it? But, her family is pretty accustomed to Jennifer’s frequent out-of-proportion outbursts, the upheaval and turmoil she causes in the family. Her siblings are scared of her, she has no friends, and her parents are at the end of their rope. All the mental health professionals have advised, all the medications they’ve tried, have made little difference. Other people, who might be looking on with disapproval, don’t have a clue what life is like for this family. Humiliating for the parents when Jennifer “performs” in public; along with guilt, confusion, anger, bitterness, frustration and hopelessness.
Children like Jennifer are different from other kids. They have a very low tolerance for frustration and a lack of any flexibility. They cannot think clearly during times of frustration. Dr. Greene calls them “inflexible-explosive.” Such children are often very bright and have some great qualities and potential. There may be various reasons why they have such a difficult temperament. The first step in helping them is to understand some important things about why they adapt so poorly. Flexibility and frustration tolerance are skills that children usually develop as they grow out of the “terrible twos.” They normally increase their ability to express their feelings in words; they are able to delay gratification, “shift gears” and think through solutions and consequences. Parents help them in this process and typical children become increasingly able to solve problems and control emotions.
Everything is no longer simply black or white. The neurobiology of some children predisposes them to these problems. They are not able to accomplish the necessary developmental skills. It is really vital for parents and other workers to realize that the child is not unwilling to adapt, but unable. The child doesn’t choose to be unreasonable any more than a child chooses to have a reading disability. So the failures to be flexible and make cause-and-effect connections are not planned, purposeful or intentional. They aren’t trying to drive mom and dad crazy! Programs designed to motivate or provide consequences for behaviour, do not work for them. These children may have a “melt-down” or fall apart over seemingly small things or without obvious causes. They don’t understand their own behaviour and are angry, frustrated and unhappy children. Dr. Greene likens the child’s response to “vapour lock.” A car with vapour lock will not start until it cools down. Similarly, the child who becomes so frustrated experiences a kind of brain-lock where he is unable to think rationally. If parents and workers can understand the sequence involved in this melt-down, they may be able to short-circuit the total melt-down phase. However, trying to punish or teach the child something during the acute phase is pure futility. They are in an irrational state and totally unable to think clearly.
No comments:
Post a Comment