Step Parents Often Find That It Is Hard To Share Authority

Step parenting usually brings its own special problems as the new step parent finds himself or herself caught in the middle between the children and the biological parent. precisely how much difficulty you will meet depends upon a whole variety of factors, the most important of which will be the level of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.
The best parenting advice and the secret to successful step parenting will be found first in clearly establishing your role in the eyes of the biological parent because you are certainly going to have an uphill battle if the two of you are not totally in agreement from the beginning. With any changes in a relationship however you must also realize that adjustment takes time and you will have to adopt a 'step by step' approach. An attempt to hasten things, or to force the situation, will almost certainly lead to frustration and possibly confrontation. The biological parent might feel threatened by the requirement to share parenting responsibilities and will have to have time to adjust and to acquire trust and confidence in you as a parent to his or her children.

Your next step will be to establish your position with the children who, unless they are quite young, will generally resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will have to take things very slowly and understand that the children will need time to adjust to the situation before they will accept you in the role of a parent. Once more, you will need the help of the biological parent in building your relationship with the children.
Any successful transition into step parenting has to begin with a clear and frank conversation with the biological parent, during which both parties have to talk honestly and freely about how they view their role, as well as the role of the other party, and you both need to reach a clear agreement on just how you should share parenting responsibilities. This discussion also needs to set clear boundaries but should be flexible enough to allow for adjustment, especially in the all important first few weeks and months following the establishment of your new relationship.

This initial discussion will not of course be the end of the matter and several such discussions will have to take place before any really meaningful and lasting shift in parenting responsibilities can take place. Once you are in agreement the next step is to bring the children on board and this must at first be led by the biological parent. At a suitable time everyone should sit down together and the biological parent has to lead off a discussion during which the plan that you have agreed can be revealed to the children and then discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this had to be a true discussion and not merely a matter of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is vitally important that the children add to the conversation and that their views and thoughts on what has been agreed are listened to. Just like adults, children need to be permitted to have a feeling of control over their own lives and need to feel comfortable with the situation they find themselves in. This is not to say that the children must be given control of the situation, which must remain firmly in the parents' hands as the ultimate decision makers within the household, but, every effort should be made to make sure that they understand the situation and are as happy with it as is they can be.

The simple fact that the children can see that their parents have clearly considered the position carefully, and agree about it, will do a great deal to prevent the children from playing one parent off against the other and the fact that they are included in the process will also assist a great deal in bringing them on board.

Arriving on the scene as a new step parent can be very difficult for not only the step parent but for the biological parent and the children and all parties will need to work together carefully and take their time to establish an environment in which everyone is able to live together happily. Handled carefully raising step kids is not as difficult as many people think.